


Desert Song

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A Road Trip AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-28 07:25:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14444319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: Of all the things she had expected, the way he broke down when she said his name had not been one of them.A road trip AU, sort of.





	1. Victorious

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for the SW fandom, and english is not my first language, so be patient with me. Hope you enjoy it!

She should have recognised him because, _seriously_ , everyone was talking about him, they all had, for so long. Yet she didn’t. And she hated that, hated herself a bit for it too, for the way he was a _yet_ and a _but_ in her every reflection, curves and sharp edges where before she had always pushed forward in a clear line; this and then that, no wondering on the sides.

Who could blame her for that? It had worked well enough for her so far. It had gotten her out of that wreck in the middle of nowhere that was Jakku Orphanage, all she left behind just scratches on a wall for people that were not coming back.

 _’You_ must _go forward’_ Maz had said, the last director of the orphanage, the only kind one, who had sustained both her and Finn to just _go_ , to get out and _be_ despite the pain given by the lack of a surname, of a family. But if she had known that this was where her no-nonsense straight line of thinking would have gotten her, she would have taken a hard turn, in _whatever direction._

She would have it noted that she did not, in fact, ask, for any of this, and yet here she was.

He was always going to be a yet. A pain of a different kind from his father, but a pain nonetheless. Although she should have known, because even at Jakku there was a crappy television, and she had seen senator Organa, the princess of the American Democrats and her husband, the scruffy looking carpenter who was gossiped to have a past in smuggling from both Mexico and Canada, and her brother, the kind army commander. And then there was him, the little sad boy with too big ears, the young prodigy of West Point who suddenly set the whole academy on fire – literally – and then just disappeared. Another crack in the mess that was the Skywalker family, a patchwork that senator Organa had managed everyone to avoid looking at, her reassuring smile and the hope that she always seemed to emanate alongside her brother doing the trick.

 _’He always was a menace’_ Poe had said to her about him, a weird expression on his face, half anger and half sadness, like it was for everyone who had knew him _before_ and also knew the truth of the _now_.

Finn had been the only one to tell her that maybe, just maybe, looking for Luke Skywalker in order to get trained to enter the academy might not be a good idea. He had not envisioned the biblical proportions that the Skywalker-Organa-Solo family drama had reached, neither had she. But, how could they? They never had a family and they had clung to each other selfishly since they were children, almost never a fight, making all this mess behind their comprehension.

‘Oh, fuck’ it was all she managed to say, when her mind finally decided to stop escaping in a detailed analysis of the past, for which she had no current use in order to face the now.

Ben Solo didn’t flinch, his face a cold mask in front of her that gave nothing away.

‘Do you know where he is?’ he asked, not moving. Voice clear.

She appreciated that, since they were both holding guns at each other and she really, _really_ , did not want to disappoint Han by shooting his son, or, _God forbid_ , Leia. Because now they were on a name basis, and with Poe and Finn and Rose it had started to feel a bit like family, and she was giving and kind and all, but always selfish when it came to something that might resemble a family.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’

She could see anger, and if she had been a bit more delusional she could have guessed he was not expecting her accent to get so tick and British, but no, she knew he knew she was playing dumb.

’I would appreciate if we could cut things short. I have somewhere to be’ he said coldly, moving a little, maybe trying to seem more threatening. It didn’t work, it came off as forced, almost awkward, every time he tried to play the bad guy card.

‘I would appreciate if you could stop trying to murder Luke’

‘I’m not trying to murder him!’ he shouted back, clear anger now, frustration.

‘That’s debatable’

‘Really?’ he asked so sarcastically that she almost rolled her eyes.

 _Almost_ , because they were still holding guns at each other, and this was so stupid. Because they had met what? Twelve hours before? and they had made their way through the impossible fighting together, on the same side, to get the hell out of that smuggling hole that was El Paso in the middle of a cartel war until she had spilled Luke’s name, because he was waiting for her in Puerto Rico to train her some more, and Ben - he had called himself Kylo until then - had snapped like she had stabbed him in the back. That’s when she had recognised him, the silent anger building up in his eyes, a fire that unlike his mother he could not control, sharp edges even in a fight where Han was smooth curves, but there was no doubt of him being their son. The lost one, the one that had become a mercenary for some shady organisation, the one that Luke had called an evil soul so many times. And now it was all clashing in her head: Han’s forced indifference, Leia’s well-hidden sadness, Luke’s regret, Poe’s weird expression and the man she had fought alongside with rather well for the better half of that day.

He was nothing like she had imagined, she was not really sure of what he was, who he was. He probably didn’t know as well.

‘This is a disaster’ she whispered more to herself than to him.

He pressed his lips together tightly, anger rising in him so clearly now.

‘You know, I would take you to him if it wasn’t clear that you would try to murder each other, if you…’

‘Just say it!’ he shouted when she stopped, struggling to find the words she was looking for.

‘If I knew who you are, or whatever the hell really happened at West Point, or whatever shady thing you’re up to! Seriously, what do you want me to say?’ she shouted back, her voice swallowed whole by the darkness and vastness of the desert around them, their figures only barely washed in moonlight.

There was only one car, and she was _not_ going to get stuck in the middle of nowhere again. She was also not going to leave him there alone.

Leia missed her son, and so did Han. Even Poe missed him, even though he would never admit it, because when his mother Shara died, and shortly after his father died as well, Leia, Han and Ben had become his world.

And now she was in the middle of this. A mess that could have taken over a galaxy if proportionally scaled instead than being repressed into a handful of messy human beings.

What was she supposed to do?

She sighted, heavily, lowered her gun and straightened her back.

He looked mildly surprised, probably convinced she had given in.

‘Just come home, Ben’

Of all the things she had expected, the way he broke down when she said his name had not been one of them.

 


	2. Runaway

‘I… mh, sort of… found him?’ she didn’t really know what to say. ‘Bumped into him? I don’t know, if I were naiver I would say coincidence or destiny or whatever…’

‘Oh. My. God.’ Rose exclaimed for the tenth time on the other end of the phone.

Rey turned around and looked at Ben in the distance, leaning against the car and looking at the dirt on his combat boots mindlessly, lost in thoughts. It was a miracle that she had managed to get him to lower the gun, to get him into the car with her.

 _’Your mother has been sick, very sick’_ she had said, feeling bad for the way she was pressing a thirty-something year old man who was clearly broken inside like shattered glass. But she was committed to bringing him home.

Calling Finn or Poe would have done no good. She thought Ben might have reacted very badly if things became just an inch too much. Also, she had the impression that if she called Poe the whole United States Army was going to be sent to get them, and Ben would have _definitely_ not taken that well.

So, she had called Rose, in the hope she wouldn’t tell Finn, who would have told Poe, who would have told Leia.

She sighted heavily.

‘Rose’ she said, the soreness of yesterday’s fight still on her shoulder, Ben a dark spot in her peripheral vision even under the brightness of the morning sun.

‘Okay, okay, sorry! What do you want me to do?’

Rey rubbed her eyes, her phone had broken during the fight, Ben’s had no power, so she felt like she was conspiring for some great old crime since she was using what probably was one of the last phone boots in a gas station that hadn’t changed from the 1960s.

‘I don’t… really know. I just… I’m trying to get him to Albuquerque? We just crossed into New Mexico if you could have something ready? An airplane, a jet? Probably better a jet, we’re still dirty from the fight and I don’t want to draw attention’.

‘You’re bringing him home’ she gasped, surprised.

‘I guess I am, yes. Trying, at least.’

“Alright! I’ll move immediately and get you something ready by the time you get to the airport. I have to keep this a secret, yes? You’re sure about this, right?’

‘Yes. Rose, you are the best’

‘Oh, thanks!’ she answered, touched. ‘Have a safe trip with the weirdo.’

She hung up the phone and again, she felt like she was in an 80s movie.

Ben lifted his head when he heard her coming, dark eyes on her, a crack of pain now visible on his face.

_’Sick?’_

_His broken voice shifted something inside her, like she was looking in a mirror in a way. She knew that kind of broken, the fear when something you love might be touched by death and swept away forever: she had felt it when Finn was in the car accident, when Poe had been declared MIA for months before he turned up battled and bruised but still smiling._

_’I know how you feel, you’re not alone’, she wanted to shout. She said nothing in the end, she felt suddenly incapable to, she just offered her hand to him._

‘I got coffee’ he said before moving past her, getting into the car on the passenger side like he did the night before after she offered him her hand.

It was the first time he spoke in hours. Rey would have liked to hear more from him, not only because the road trip was going to be long and he was armed and highly trained, but also because she wanted to know what exactly made him decided to come with her. Han had tried, years before, to get him home, and he had ended up in a hospital for months, because the man sitting next her now had decided to stab his own father like a corndog.

She had hated him then, because she couldn’t _understand_. Han was great, a great pilot, who had thought Poe to fly, who had thought her, but she had come to realise, while she drove away from El Paso hours before, that the Han of _now_ might have been a very different man from the Han who used to bring a small Ben on his old plane; even Leia, always fighting for what is right, might have not been as good as Rey imagined her as a mother. The pain Rey felt for the void that abandonment had created in her soul, maybe, was comparable with what Ben felt, in a way.

She had never thought of it that way before, how it must feel, to have parents who ignore you, even if unintentionally, who put the entire country before you and then ship you off to a military academy with an uncle that… she didn’t know what Luke did, what Ben did, what happened at West Point.

She had doubted Luke’s story from the beginning, Ben turned by a cartel leader who called himself Snoke, killing cadets and setting the academy on fire… it was too much of a clear contradiction of the 12-years-old Ben who punched the 20-years-old man who had called Poe a dirty immigrant because of his tanned skin.

There was rage in him, so much rage, she had seen it while they fought together, he didn’t hesitate to kill, to hurt, but he hurt himself as well. The way he had beaten himself on the wound left by the bullet that had brushed his torso told her that darkness and rage was not all there was to him, that he could not keep it up at all times.

Maybe he had done what Luke had said, maybe not. Maybe he had also done all the crimes that he was accused of with Snoke and the racist arm dealer that was Hux.

She still wanted to hear his side of the story.

Everyone operated in shades of grey in the world, it was a reality she had come to confront when she had moved to the States, that she had accepted. He might have been a shade or two darker than her, but she was no light, and he was no dark. That much she knew for certain.

_She took cover behind a wall, recharging her gun. She cursed under her breath, she was almost out of ammo, but she could do it, rush forward and get a gun from one of the cartel’s minions that were shooting at them. Kylo was not far away, messy black hair and a light cover of sweat on his face, a purple bruise under his left eye._

_He looked at her, and again she felt relief and fear. Because there was no need for words, as if they could read each other’s minds while they fought in a perfect sync of attack and cover. She was ready to go and he was already moving to cover her, but something glimpsed in his eyes, he had seen something that was blocked to her vision, a curse on his lips. Before she could do something he was out, exposed, and she didn’t even have time to shout his name. He took a shot and someone fell, but before she was able to cover him he was hit, his right side, and he barely contained the sound of pain._

_’It’s fine’ he said later in answer to her worried look, after he had patched it up, fought again and hurt himself some more to keep going. She didn’t mention the woman with the small child who managed to ran away because of him._

The coffee was bad, but to take a slip of it every now and then while she drove was a distraction from the silence. From the enigma that Ben Solo was.

‘You’re a mystery’ he said suddenly in his low and controlled voice.

She almost lost it, because she had just been thinking that about him.

‘How so? Among the two of us, you’re the magician’ she pushed back because somehow, they were always fighting a bit, unless they were fighting someone else.

‘Magician?’ he asked, mildly amused.

‘Yeah, the whole West Point disappearing act you pulled’, _you drama queen_ , the sarcastic part of her added silently in her mind.

He darkened a bit.

‘Did he tell you what happened?’

‘Luke? He told me something, yes’.

‘You don’t believe him’

Ben sounded sincerely surprised, but she kept her eyes on the road, avoiding his gaze.

‘I don’t think he believes it either, if that matters’.

He went silent again, but she wanted to keep going.

‘How come I’m a mystery?’

He shrugged, ‘I didn’t think that old grumpy fool would want to train anyone again. You’re a good fighter, you could have a better teacher’

‘I kicked your ass’

‘I never denied that’ he said in a way that resembled Han so much she expected a ’sweetheart’ at the end of the phrase, but it never came.

‘Why did you come with me? Now? After all this time? After what you did to Han?’

'He had it coming!’ he almost shouted turning towards her.

He was either brooding of burning like a pyre, no in-between. She didn’t understand how she could withstand it, how she didn’t find it tiring.

Silence fell again.

‘We fought well together’ he said after a while, careful to not look at her.

 _You said my name like you meant it, like you cared_ was the unspoken truth, _you were worried when I got hit_ , and she understood that. The mess that it creates, after so many years on being on your own, the understanding that someone cares. And she did, to her surprise and his.

He cared as well. He could have left her behind, instead he stole a grenade and created a diversion for them both, allowing them to steal the car they were currently in.

It was supposed to be a simple reconnaissance mission, nothing more, look and report back to Leia on the situation of the smuggling of El Paso; Han gave her some tips, Poe gave her weapons and Finn and Rose tight hugs. Instead she had found herself in the middle of a war between cartels that she thought would be the end of her until he had come out of the shadows, a black shadow himself, fighting for who knew what like he was a Hades emerged from the halls of hell to bring new servants to his curt. They fought, briefly, but somehow, they both recognised the sicarios and smugglers of the cartels as the enemy and they began to fight together. Twelve hours later and she thought of him as a man she mildly admired, that she might like to know and befriend, because they fought _so well_ together… then he had become Ben, and that had complicated everything.

‘She called your name’ she found herself saying ‘while she was unconscious. Poe held her hand, she thought you were back’

He became tense, his hands closed in tight fists while she recounted the horror of Leia’s ictus, the fear they all had shared that she could have been lost forever. It was horror that had brought Luke back from his self-imposed exile, and everyone had ignored that when, maybe, they really shouldn’t have.

Ben’s eyes were shining, he was holding back tears she gracefully ignored.

‘Is she…?’ he asked, voice lost and broken.

‘She needs a cane to walk now. Han limps since you… he tries to make a joke out of it, she laughs sometimes’

‘I didn’t know’ he whispered after a moment of silence. ‘I was in Taiwan’

‘Would you have come back, if you’d known?’

This was going deeper that she expected, but she couldn’t stop herself, and neither could he, apparently, because he answered her, sincerely.

‘I don’t know’

‘But you are coming back now’

‘Yes’

 _With you_ was another unspoken truth that lingered in the air between them.

She swallowed and looked at the road ahead, another slip of coffee while Ben pressed his forehead against the window and looked beyond the desert road that surrounded them in the blinding light of the day.

 


	3. Shelter

‘Let me’ he said, looking at her directly in the eyes but not daring to touch her.

She stopped on the side of the road and they changed sides while the sun began to set on the horizon, dark clouds gathering in the distance in prelude to a storm.

Rey sunk in the passenger seat, eyelids getting heavy against the last warm light of the day. They still had a long way to go, but she let herself drift off into sleep anyway, despite the part of her that told her to remain on guard, to not trust him.

When she opened her eyes again it was dark, she was turned towards Ben and she felt mildly embarrassed by that. She always hated how needy she was for affection, she didn’t want anyone to see that broken part of her.

Ben said nothing, he simply glanced at her feeling her eyes on him.

‘We could stop for a while… are you hungry?’ he asked pointing at the small beacon of light that was the gas station in the middle of the night.

‘Yeah’ she said stretching a bit. ‘I thought you would have changed your mind’

‘Sorry to disappoint you, Rey’ he answered, expressionless once more. His mask of indifference back on to cover the cracks.

‘She will be happy’ she said with a mild smile, and his hands tightened on the steering wheel.

‘I’m not who she thinks I am. She will see that, make her peace with it and all of this will be over’

‘You’re not…’

‘Cut the crap, I’ve killed and hurt more people than you’ve ever met. I just need her to stop… to stop _trying_ ’ he shot back, anger and sadness lighting up his face in the darkness.

 _To stop trying because I cannot say no anymore_ , Rey completed his sentence in her mind for him once more, understanding more than she cared to admit. Leia’s call to her son so strong it reached every edge of the earth.

Her thoughts were still muffled, her mind half awake, but she suddenly connected the dots anyway.

‘Snoke was found cut in half in Taiwan. Hux barely escaped with his life’ she said, trying badly to hide the smile that was pulling up the corners of her lips.

‘That he did, the little shit, but he doesn’t have that chrome dome of a commander with him anymore’ his face was hard again, the lights of the gas station finally close enough to touch them.

‘You said you were in Taiwan’

‘I was’

She smiled closing her eyes, as if she wanted sleep again. ‘Shut up’ he snorted annoyed, maybe partially amused.

‘I said nothing. You did it all by yourself, magic boy’

‘Don’t call me that’

‘What? You are a bit of a magician’

‘Yeah? Well, so are you. I’ve never seen anyone dodge bullets like you do’

‘I did’ she said, and he appeared sincerely surprised when she opened her eyes again.

‘Uh?’

‘You do it as well’

‘I was hit’ he pointed out, his right hand leaving the steering wheel and ghosting on his wounded side.

‘You did in on purpose. You look like you don’t give a damn but you _do_ ’

‘Shut up’ he said again, pulling over towards the gas station, the corner of his mouth rising just so slightly.

They stopped for half an hour, washed their faces, got more coffee and some food that was not completely junk while they slipped back into a routine of comfortable silence and easy cooperation.

He was back into the driver’s seat, and she didn’t question it. She propped her feet on the dash while he drove away fast, eating chips while stealing glances at his side, now freshly bandaged, although she could see the spots of dry blood even on the deep black of the t-shirt. Their bulletproof vests were on the backseats, and so were their weapons, the silent truce they had signed when they first got into the stolen car.

She stopped eating for a second when she realised the amount of trust she had put in him by falling asleep, he could have killed her, instead she had only feared he might have turned the car around. She wondered if she was becoming stupid, or if she just saw the dangerous mix that Han and Leia’s souls had created when shaping Ben’s heart.

Dangerous, not deadly. Not for her, at least.

‘They were planning a terrorist attack’ he said suddenly.

‘What?’

‘Against Leia. Hux had her address, schedule, photos, Snoke wanted me to… they said things and I…’

He didn’t finish but she understood that he had snapped, a fire so strong that burned down from the inside one of the world’s biggest cartels.

She should have feared him, probably, but she ended up laughing. He turned towards her clearly confused.

‘You fucking cut him in half’ she said trying to stop herself.

He bit his lower lip and her eyes moved away from that sight with difficulty, because he appeared to be hiding a smile.

‘I don’t know how no one thought of you when we heard of Snoke’ she continued ‘but then, everyone always ignores the fact that Leia strangled Jabba to death, and yet they all think of you as so… unexpectedly different, when, clearly, it’s a family thing.’

‘I will never understand you’ he said shifting on his seat, almost uncomfortable.

‘Did you fight your way out? Like we did yesterday?’

‘I guess I did, more badly though’

‘Why?’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘You could have seized control, instead you left’

‘I’m not interested in that, I thought I was… but I am not’ he said shaking his head a bit before running a hand through his hair, moving them away from his face. She saw Han’s resemblance in that movement, Leia’s in his words.

‘What are you interested in?’

‘I could ask you the same question, scavenger’ he answered immediately, his counter attack to her getting too close to doors he himself had never open.

‘Is that how you’re calling me?’ she asked smirking.

He turned to her to say something, then his eyes… no, she must have imagined that. He certainly did not look at her lips like that.

‘You’re an orphan’ he said finally, looking at the road.

‘What has that anything to do with being a scavenger? You never called Poe anything like that, and he’s an orphan as well’ she was bitter, sometimes he could be fine and other times he just had be a dick, to take a hit where he knew it would hurt more.

‘I’m not good with people’ his way of apologising, she imagined.

She threw the empty packet of crisps at him. He caught it.

‘You don’t say’ she answered sarcastically.

‘You take what you can and run with it. A scavenger’ he explained, looking at the backseat, where the weapon that was hers really wasn’t, because she had stolen it during the fight.

‘Fair enough’ she agreed settling back, closing her eyes without really intending to sleep.

‘Why are we talking like this?’ she asked protected by the blindness of her closed eyes, so that she could ask without fearing what she would see. ‘So close after so little?’

‘That bastard of Luke would say something on the line of the cosmic force linking us or shit like that’

His answer had a fake anger to it, to hide the uncertainty that plagued him as well.

‘What do you think?’

‘I don’t know’ he answered softly, and she was so glad she kept her eyes closed, because there was silence again, the ghost of his hand brushing a lock of hair away from her face.

She couldn’t say when she started, or why she did it, but suddenly she was talking, whispers barely audible over the engine of the car and his steady drive. She told him about her desperate wait for her parents, the disappointing lead that had brought her and Finn to the States only to discover that both their parents were dead; it had been easier for Finn, he had been stolen away during a war, she had just been abandoned because they didn’t want her, and that had hurt, it had broken something deep inside that was only just beginning to heal. She told him of how they met Poe, and then Leia, Han and Rose; how mildly disappointed she had been and still was with Luke, annoyed at his absolutes and the way he kept using the word ‘hubris’ as if it could redeem him of some past sin.

Ben listened in silence, as if he wasn’t truly there, but he was, because she could feel the way he understood the words she could not say, how intimately he knew her feelings of loneliness, betrayal, disappointment and of being lost. Something had just clicked between them, when they faced off in El Paso, centimetres apart while he used an empty rifle to shield himself from the metal stick she had picked up to fight instead of going for her gun. And when they had heard the shouts of the cartel’s men approaching there had been no words, they just looked at each other one last time before spinning around and beginning to fight together, back to back, until they made it out.

Her mouth kept spilling secrets she should have kept for herself, but he was neither judging nor pitying her. Yet, when silence fell again she was disappointed that he didn’t say a word.

Maybe she misunderstood everything.

‘He tried to kill me’ he said suddenly, when the lights of Albuquerque began to appear as an orange glow on the horizon. She knew he meant Luke, and despite the shock, she stayed silent.

And Ben told her: he told her of how Snoke had always people watching him, approaching him, trying to sway him towards a life of illegality so to use as his own the power that Ben had unconsciously inherited by being Leia’s son, Anakin’s grandson. He didn’t understand what was going on, because there were whispers of his mother strangling a sex trafficker to death, and his father’s body count during his smuggling years, yet everyone kept telling him of Leia’s eternal goodness and Luke’s light power against Palpatine’s darkness; but he could only see shades of grey everywhere he set his eyes upon, and that was probably when things started to go bad. He had thought his parents had felt it, the shame he carried inside by knowing of Snoke, of the darker shades he felt inside himself, and he understood being shipped off to West Point as a punishment, as abandonment. Nevertheless, he tried, he really did. But Snoke had people there as well, and Luke was always frustrated towards him without apparent reason, without even trying to explain to him why, what exactly was wrong with him or in what he was doing. Then Snoke had sent his most trusted man, Hux’s father, to talk to him, and he had listened. He had already half decided to do nothing about it, no matter his fascination with what they had proposed, but Luke had seen it, and he woke up that night with his uncle near his bed with a gun in his hand.

He didn’t tell her how he felt, but she could imagine. Snoke’s men heard them fight and started the fire, it became a mess and people ended up dead. He had intended for none of it to happen, but once he was out, Snoke had seemed like the most sensible option. He had regretted it in the end, not the leaving, but joining the cartel.

‘He really wanted to kill you?’ she whispered, afraid of the answer he might give, that he would shut her off.

‘For a second, maybe, I don’t think he would have really done it. Luke’s not like that, I recognised that now… But on the moment, I was too angry to care, I still am… angry, at him.’

She opened her eyes then, he was looking ahead, the road becoming brighter and busier, the city getting closer.

‘I’m tired’ he admitted before the noise of the city could cover their silences, red lights creating shadows on his face.

The sound of life washed over them like a waive when they entered the city, making them both uncomfortable, and Rey saw that he thought about it then: to just turn the car around and go back to the quiet of the desert, the simple absolute of light and dark instead of the thousands of complicated shades they had to make their way through daily.

She took his hand.


	4. Eschaton

He was warm, almost burning, like the fire she could see sometimes in his eyes.

Rey had thought Ben might be as cold as his expressions were when he wore his mask of indifference, but under her touch he felt so hot that for a moment she panicked, thinking the wound had infected and he had a fever. But when she looked up, he looked fine, just surprised at her touch and the same look in his eyes he had every time she called him Ben.

Then the red light turned green, changing the shadows on his face while he turned away from her, and she retracted her hand. His warmth lingering under her fingertips.

It took almost an hour to get to the airport, mostly because they had to leave the stolen car somewhere it would not be found easily.

Rose had worked her magic, and the moment she mentioned the name Tico they were taken away from the crowded terminal towards the departure point for private flights. They looked ragged, their face bruised, but they had to interact with so few people that she couldn’t bring herself to care. Ben was walking steady right behind her, and she felt slightly better only when the door of the jet closed behind them, leaving them alone again.

He was tense as much as she was now that they were so close, on their way to San Diego, to what had been, and still was, home.

‘I’ll be surprised if I don’t get court-martialled on the spot when we land’ he muttered looking at the clouds beneath them outside the window, after what felt like hours of silence.

‘Don’t be ridiculous’ she said sitting next to him.

There was some truth to his words. It had been days since she was supposed to come back, and Rose would have told someone that she had called. They were certainly expecting her, maybe not him.

Like most things with him seemed to go, she didn’t exactly know who started it on how it happened, but suddenly she was resting in the comfortable airplane chair, her eyes half closed and her legs stretched towards him, in his lap, one of his warm hands placed steadily under her left knee. Ben looked asleep, but after years she could recognise the sign of a very light rest, of forced calmness learned with years of meditation, a residue of Luke’s training. She envied him for a second, meditation had always been hard for her, especially in her first months with Luke. Still, it was strangely comfortable, and she blocked all thoughts and just stayed still and silent until it was time to land, and they both tensed again, distancing from each other.

The jet was parked in an empty hangar, and _of course_ they were all there. She felt Ben behind her while she looked at Finn’s concerned face from the window.

‘No court martial’ she said with a sad smile that betrayed her anxiety.

A part of her didn’t trust him fully yet. What if he tried to do something? Luke was not there, not yet (he was definitely coming to scold her for messing up a simple recognisance mission, petty in his old age as he seems to be) but Ben had almost killed Han, although she had to admit that the old smuggler often made very poor and questionable decisions regarding what words to speak.

‘I’m surprised Holdo is still with Leia’ he said as she turned around, finding herself a handful of centimetres from him, and she had to look up because, _oh_ , he was so much taller than her. She kind of hated that, it was such an unfair advantage.

The hostess opened the door and Ban said nothing, he looked at her and moved slightly, his hand barely touching hers, briefly, tentative almost.

She had no idea of what was going on, how to interpret it.

‘Rey?’ Finn called from outside, and he stepped back, leaving her free to move.

The hangar was washed in a cold white light, but Leia looked ethereal in her grey gown despite the cane she was using to stand, refusing to lean on a still limping and evidently grumpy Han. Holdo was near them, brown long dress that matched Poe’s newest jacket. Finn – still wearing the jacket he had borrowed from Poe when they first met years before - was between Rose and Poe, and stepped forward when he saw her appearing on the stairs.

They always hugged each other first when they were forced to be apart for long, it was an unspoken rule of theirs, but she stayed still.

‘You’re okay!’ shouted Poe with his usual smile and cheer, trying to break the tension created by her worried look and Finn’s confusion at her stillness.

’You alright there, kiddo? Heard you’ve got into some problem in El Paso’ said Han stepping forward.

‘Yes, I had… help’ she said turning, looking at Ben behind her in the shadows.

She wondered if he could feel it too, the power of Leia’s gaze, the way the older woman just seemed to know that something was up.

She stepped down the small set of stairs of the jet, but he didn’t follow her.

‘Ben?’ she asked turning, and the world seemed to go silent until he stepped into the lights of the hangar, and Leia’s cane fell to the ground loudly.

‘You fucking idiot! You stupid idiot!’ screamed Poe launching himself towards Ben, who didn’t react in any way, probably expecting such a reaction.

‘Poe! Stop!’ Rey had to put herself between them, and Poe calmed down while Ben made his way to Leia as if there was no one else but him and his mother.

‘ _Unbelievable_ ’ said Han, hands on his hips and a look in his eyes that said he might have started to cry at any moment despite everything.

Rey felt as if she was intruding into something extremely private when Ben stopped in front of Leia, and the woman slowly raised her hand until she was able to rest it on Ben’s cheek, covering the purple bruise left by the fight.

It was such a sight, Leia’s warmness and Ben’s dark figure under the cold white light of the hangar; the same light that yet touched them all in such different ways.

‘Let me go’ said Ben in a broken whisper ‘please’

‘No’ answer Leia with a smile so wide and bright it could have ignited galaxies on fire ‘never’.

‘The damn idiot’ said Poe biting his lips without lifting his gaze from Ben, trembling a little while Leia hugged her son. ‘How the hell did you do it?’ he asked her.

‘I don’t know’ she admitted, Finn and Rose already at her side.

‘You okay?’ asked Finn, and she hugged him instead of saying yes, the certainty of his embrace against the chaos that was her mind since she met Ben.

‘He killed Snoke, it has to mean something’ she added, and the shock on Poe’s face was priceless. ‘But I don’t think he’s here to stay’

They all followed Poe when he moved closer. Leia was talking fast, with the same fierceness that had characterised her youth, her hands still on Ben’s arms, still holding him tight, afraid he might leave again.

‘We will figure this out’

‘He stabbed me!’ shouted Han.

‘I didn’t kill you, you old fool!’ Ben shouted back with the same force.

‘I’m your father! Watch what you say, kid!’

‘The last time you added to that you got metal between your ribs, you better think well about what you are going to say next!’ Ben added, and then they were all screaming at each other.

Holdo trying to calm things down, Han with his shouting and finger pointing, Leia’s ‘enough’ ignored over Ben’s anger, Poe’s fake insults toward the childhood friend he had thought lost forever, Rose and Finn sharing a confused glance in the corner.

She was in the middle of a mess, but she had to admit that in the end she kind of liked it. It felt like family.

‘Ben!’ she said simply, and he stopped to look at her, he seemed to find his composure again and shifted closer to his mother, but not too far from Han.

At that, Holdo looked at her and Ben and smiled in a way that made Rey blush. She hoped no one else was to look at her like that.

‘Luke is coming’ said Finn coming back from the now open service door of the hangar, and the shouting came to a definitive end.

If the last time she had mentioned that name she had seen pure darkness and rage in Ben’s eyes, now she saw a quieter flame. He was still holding his mother’s hand, but Leia let go and he interpreted it the wrong way. Like a new rejection despite the words he had just heard from his mother, because he still believed he would always come last in her thoughts, after the people, the country, the party, after Luke and Han. He just couldn’t understand how wrong that line of thought was.

But West Point was a mess that still desperately needed to be sorted out before things could even start again, and that was supposing that Ben and Luke could talk for more than a couple of minutes without trying to physically fight each other; supposing that Poe could contain himself and not punch Ben in the face, that Han could shout his mouth so that Leia could talk.

She found herself moving closer to Ben, Luke’s footsteps approaching and Ben’s arm brushing hers, surprise in his eyes, as it always was when he recognised someone actually cared about him. And that was all it took, for someone to care just a bit, just enough, just right, and here they were.

Luke shined even in his dark uniform under the lights of the hangar. Rey moved her hand closer to Ben’s and they touched, briefly, only with a single finger.

It was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read the story and left kudos!


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